Balanced Discipline
A Sermon on Ephesians 6:1-4
Originally preached May 22, 1960
Scripture
1Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. 2Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;) 3That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. 4And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to …
Sermon Description
How should parents discipline their children? It can be a difficult topic since past abuses often provoke a parent to not discipline at all. In reaction to this, many Christians can react wrongly too. In this sermon on Ephesians 6:1–4 titled “Balanced Discipline,” Dr. Martyn Lloyd-Jones reminds Christians the need for balance, especially when it comes to disciplining children. They cannot be reactionaries and revert to the old tyrannical methods, nor can they deny where Scripture says discipline is necessary for children. Dr. Lloyd-Jones provides parents and those in authority over children with several principles to guide them in not provoking a child to anger. Importantly, there is a call towards self-examination by parents. Dr. Lloyd-Jones sets Ephesians 5:18 as the paradigm to commence this self-examination. Being filled by the Holy Spirit will give parents power that is not uncontrolled, capricious, unreasonable, selfish, severe, or thoughtless. In other words, the fruit of the Spirit will be evident in parents’ lives. When this is the case, loving discipline is never domineering or possessive and guards against exasperating a child by changing rules and methods. Listen closely as Dr. Lloyd-Jones provides practical advice for parents that is biblically based.
Sermon Breakdown
- Discipline is essential and must be enforced but it must be done properly. The Bible teaches balance.
- There has been a reaction against Victorian era strictness but the modern view of no discipline is unbiblical. We must not swing to extremes.
- How to exercise discipline properly: Be filled with the Spirit which produces self-control and controlled power.
- Parents must exercise self-control and control their temper. Lack of self-control causes excess and harm.
- Parents must not be capricious, changing discipline based on mood. This irritates children and makes discipline impossible. Consistency in reactions and conduct is key.
- Parents must not be unreasonable, refusing to listen to explanations. This provokes children to wrath.
- Parents must not be selfish, crushing the child's personality. Children are given by God, not possessions. Domineering parents ruin lives.
- Punishment must not be mechanical, for its own sake. It must be reasonable, fitting the "crime." Humiliating or overly severe punishment does harm.
- Discipline must recognize the child's growth and development. The same strict rules for a young child will provoke an adolescent to wrath.
- Parents must not force their views on children. They must be patient, recognizing only God can regenerate hearts. Make concessions and show the reasonableness of beliefs.
- Discipline must be exercised in love, seeking the child's good. Look at children as souls given by God to raise, not possessions. Done right, children will respect parents.
Sermon Q&A
Dr. Martyn Lloyd-Jones on Parenting and Discipline in Ephesians 6
What does Ephesians 6:4 teach about parenting according to Dr. Martyn Lloyd-Jones?
According to Dr. Lloyd-Jones, Ephesians 6:4 ("Fathers, provoke not your children to wrath, but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord") teaches a balanced approach to parenting. He notes that this verse has both negative and positive aspects. Negatively, parents are warned not to exasperate, irritate, or provoke their children to resentment. Positively, they are instructed to raise their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Lloyd-Jones emphasizes that while discipline is essential, it must be administered in a way that does not create resentment in children. The verse provides balance to the previous instruction for children to obey their parents.
Why does Dr. Lloyd-Jones consider discipline such an important issue in society?
Dr. Lloyd-Jones considers discipline "in many ways the most urgent problem confronting the whole world at this present hour." He explains that the breakdown of discipline accounts for most societal problems—national, international, and in all groups and sections of society. The lack of order is ultimately due to a lack of discipline, leading to tendencies toward anarchy, with people taking the law into their own hands and failing to recognize certain ultimate moral standards. He observes that modern society has reacted violently against "Victorianism" and has swung to the opposite extreme, where many scarcely believe in discipline at all.
What does Dr. Lloyd-Jones say is the biblical view of law and discipline?
Dr. Lloyd-Jones teaches that the biblical view is that "we are all to be kept under law until we come under grace." He explains that because of human sinfulness, people must be restrained and kept in order. The purpose of law is not to convert or reform but to restrain sin by punishing it. He notes that God ordained authorities and powers (as taught in Romans 13) because without law, there would be complete chaos. Evil must be restrained and punished, not merely appealed to in the name of love, especially when dealing with those governed by sinful passions.
How can parents avoid provoking their children to wrath when disciplining them?
According to Dr. Lloyd-Jones, parents can avoid provoking their children to wrath by:
- Exercising self-control and controlling their own tempers first
- Not being capricious or unpredictable in their discipline
- Not being unreasonable or refusing to listen to explanations
- Not being selfish or domineering over their children
- Not administering discipline in a mechanical, unintelligent manner
- Not being too severe or humiliating their children
- Recognizing the growth and development of their children, especially during adolescence
- Not forcing their views on their children, particularly religious beliefs
He emphasizes that discipline must always be exercised in love, for the child's good rather than to maintain parental authority.
What does Dr. Lloyd-Jones teach about the relationship between being Spirit-filled and proper discipline?
Dr. Lloyd-Jones connects proper discipline to being filled with the Spirit (Ephesians 5:18). He explains that a Spirit-filled life is characterized by two main qualities: power and control—"disciplined power." The Spirit produces self-control, balance, and judgment, unlike someone drunk with wine who exhibits excess and lacks control.
He states: "If we are filled with the Spirit, there'll be very little problem of discipline as far as we are concerned." The fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, meekness, faith, and temperance) enables parents to discipline with the right attitude and approach. Spirit-filled parents will discipline in a way that ultimately leads children to respect and even thank them later in life.
What does Dr. Lloyd-Jones warn about regarding possessiveness in parenting?
Dr. Lloyd-Jones strongly warns against possessive, domineering parenting. He describes it as "one of the greatest tragedies" in his pastoral experience. He condemns parents who:
- Don't recognize that their children have their own lives and personalities
- Treat children as if they exist solely for the parents' pleasure or use
- Impose their personality entirely upon the child, crushing the child's personality
- Demand and expect everything from the child
- Make children feel guilty for wanting independent lives
He calls this kind of parenting "tyranny of the foulest type" and "a contradiction of the whole teaching of the Bible." He notes that he has seen many people whose lives were "entirely ruined" by such parents, including people who never married because they were made to feel they couldn't leave their controlling parents. Lloyd-Jones emphasizes that parents are "guardians and custodians" of their children, not owners.
The Book of Ephesians
Dr. Martyn Lloyd-Jones
Dr. Martyn Lloyd-Jones (1899-1981) was a Welsh evangelical minister who preached and taught in the Reformed tradition. His principal ministry was at Westminster Chapel, in central London, from 1939-1968, where he delivered multi-year expositions on books of the bible such as Romans, Ephesians and the Gospel of John. In addition to the MLJ Trust’s collection of 1,600 of these sermons in audio format, most of these great sermon series are available in book form (including a 14 volume collection of the Romans sermons), as are other series such as "Spiritual Depression", "Studies in the Sermon on the Mount" and "Great Biblical Doctrines". He is considered by many evangelical leaders today to be an authority on biblical truth and the sufficiency of Scripture.